Indirection

Why is it that people like to be so indirect when it come to things happening? I really hate it. I honestly prefer if you were direct is straight up telling me what's wrong. Why do you need to ignore someone? Why do you need to do all this things like this? Why do you need to make it so awkward? If you don't want this friendship then let me know, don't fucking fuck around with me. Why make this friendship so awkward? If you don't want just say it. I am honestly really tired. I'm not tired of this friendship, but I am tired to need to keep on trying to sustain this friendship.

Looking back.. Honestly, I have never really see you apologize or step up to solve the problem.. Maybe it is just a selfish side I am looking at but the whole time I felt that I have been always the one to step up and try to resolve a problem between us.. It's always I that have to call you and apologize that I be the one to always calling you to talk things out. When will it be your turn? Or have it not been realized that this is tiring me out a lot.. Yeah, you may have a 'pride' that goes with the saying "You'll never back out in a argument and that you'll never apologize." I have my pride too and there is only so much I'll do, so much I can only bend and push my limits for a friendship.

This time, I told myself. I will continue on this friendship and put the required effort in it. But if you put no effort in the friendship, I wouldn't bother anymore. This time, I mean it. I won't bother to go that extra mile to sustain this friendship, there is only so much I can do and I am getting tired already. Why make it seems like so disinterest in being my friend? If it is so just tell me. I'll make it easy by walking out. Cause I figured out, if you don't bother about this friendship, then I shouldn't. Obviously this friendship means nothing to you. So you're not worth it.

Emily xx

Handling of friendship issues?

 Don't cry over those who do not care about you.

So today I saw a photo and it got me thinking... Who are the scariest people on Earth? Not murders, not rapist, not the government neither your enemies. I think it is those who are the closest to you.. Yup, those friends that you hold to heart. THEY are the ones that can prove to you that they can be the scariest people on Earth. Nope, don't get ahead of me just yet. Those that are closest to you.. those that knows your weakness.. those who knows what makes you upset.. and they use it against you. I personally think those are the scariest people on Earth. It's just like the saying of rather having a true enemy than to have a fake friend. I am not saying they are my fake friends, I am just saying that they are so close to you, that you hold them to heart and they know all your weakness and when they are upset at you, they use it against you. Sad huh? And you know what's the worst part? It is that they are your good friends. The one you treat like family, the ones you treasure the most and the one you'll fight every battle for and with. 

With the photo I saw, I hate to say but she did hit a nerve. I was very angry when I saw it but I wasn't surprise. In fact, I was waiting for her to post that photo and I damn right know her intention of posting that photo. So maybe cause I know her intentions I wasn't as angry.. but since I wasn't as angry as I was before.. It set me to think.. Am I really angry? 

No. I realized that I am not angry.. not at all. But instead, I was hurt. Very hurt. The reason why I was hurt was because I realized her intentions of posting that photo.. and the fact she knows this photo was going to set me off. I hate to say this but I am way beyond hurt. The term 'hurt' would be an understatement. Because I realized that she knows that posting this I would be hurt and she KNOWS that it hurts me and how it challenges my insecurity in my friendships. Like what I have said in my previous post, I never want to lose a friendship. That I never want to 'share' too much of my friends to other people. Yes, they have the rights to make friends, I am not saying that they don't but you would understand how it would affect someone. 

What made me even hurt was that both of them were my good friends. The ones I held at heart, the ones that I am willing to drop everything just to jump to their rescue. Yeah, maybe I can understand why she wanted to post it. Maybe cause I have upsetted her and it was her way of coming back at me... but what broke me was that how I realized the other one didn't bother to stop her. And I can assure you, both of them knows how much I 'hated' to see them together. Why? Why? Why? Then I got angry because it amuses me so much how the other one was such a 'nice' person and how she... you just know. She is like the super nice person among the clique, always so meek and gentle and always 'helping' others. But yet she is capable of causing so much hurt. Wow. Have I not learn to underestimated people. 

Things like this kills me. It's sad to see how people can abandon other people feelings and go all out. Opps, shouldn't say so much. I might be one of those before. Maybe this is karma huh? Maybe one day when this blog is being discovered, she might say 'Treating you like how you treat others.' Yeah maybe. 

Love x,

Emily

I hate how I let smallest thing in my friendship turn me into someone I am not.

"emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you."

I am that bitch in your life that will emotionally abuse you, but yet doesn't really mean it. I swear, never in my life have I ever mean to hurt my friends. Nah, maybe I meant it, I meant to rub that hurt into your wound because of what you have previously done to me. Maybe I will never forget the fact that you weren't appreciative and took it for granted. Even though you always say that you do remember, but let me just tell you. Your actions never prove your words, 

One thing I hate about myself is that I let the slightest issue in my friendship affect me and I will do the rashest and harshest thing in return.. 

I take loyalty in my friendship very seriously and I take my friendship to heart. One thing you need to know about me is that I treasure every single of my friendship. I make friends very easily. And I will give myself the benefit of doubt to think that you are the good person. I always believe that everyone is a good person. And also, I never want to see anyone being alone or left out... Yet I hate myself cause there are times I purposely ignore some of my friends when I am upset with them and that makes them feel alone and upset too. Hypocrite aren't I? 

"i cant tell if i'm really nice but secretly an asshole or an asshole but secretly really nice" 

I hate the way I handle things. Sometimes I wished all this couldn't affect me. I wished I could hold equal importance in all my friendship. I wished I wouldn't get jealous and upset when I see myself drifting from my friend and suddenly someone I don't really like starts being so close to them. I honestly hate it. But I wish I can stop myself from feeling all these so I wouldn't hurt any of my friends in the process of my harsh words and actions. Maybe is that insecurity that I feel, cause never ever would I want to lose any friendship.. Even if its really bad, I would never ever want to lose my friendship, I would never throw it away.. But sometimes when I am angry, I have no control of what's happening. Maybe I do have control, but I still choose to let it go this way cause it feels good at that point. Like as if you are the one that was right. But then again, after a while you realized everyone share the fault and the biggest fault lies in yourself, in me. 

Last thing, I hate it when I give my 100% in the friendship and my friend just gives 50% or so. It just makes me feel that you don't think this friendship is worth it. That this friendship means anything to you. And I hate it when I feel like as if I am the one trying to put this friendship back together again and it seems like you don't really care. I tell you how I really feel about these.. I don't hate them. But I just feel hurt -very very hurt, when things like this happens, And I cannot control my hurt because I never want people to see that side of me that I am hurt, so I turn them into anger into violence... That makes things easier. Cause people just sees it as 'oh she is just having her mood swings' or 'oh she is just angry' or 'oh, she has issues' These explanations are must easier to explain than to let people know that I am hurt and that they have to come with 'feelings'. Just like how you rather smile when you're upset cause it much easier to say "I'm fine" than to explain what's going on. 

If I could make myself trust my friends even more... It's not my friends problem. It is my problem. And that is what I hate about myself the most. The fact that I can't control myself when it comes to friendship issues. The fact that I cannot bear to 'share' too much of my friends with other people. 

I wished I could change myself for this.. Cause it is always the reasons why I am so upset.. the reason why I always fuck things up. Hurt leads to really scary things. I don't even know who I am sometimes with all the thoughts in my head when I get angry and the strength in my hands when I get violent...

Love x,

Emily. 

If I were to ask you..

If I were to ask you what do you love.. 

The answers would most probably roll off your tongue. You can say you love your mum, you love your dad, you love your brother, you love your pet, you love reading, you love writing, you love music, you love tattoo, you love your best friend...But how long do you think you can go on until...

You finally say you love yourself? 

And this leads me to start thinking why do we not love ourselves? Is it because of society that bring us to think that we aren't worth the love? Or was it past experience that made you feel that you weren't love by people around you? Or maybe, you just see others better than yourselves? Is that why we don't love ourselves? 

This world is a really tough world to live in. I can tell you straight up I love myself.. but there are so many parts of myself that I want to change. And this blog will tell you what are the things I want to change about myself. It actually isn't here to tell you. It's here to remind myself which parts of my live have I fucked up so badly, and why I still don't love myself. 

SHORT INTRO

There isn't anything much to know actually. I am a pretty boring person. I love to read and I love music. This two are my escapes in life. Not only that, I love my friends. And I mean it when I say I love them. Every single one of them, even though I act like as if I hate them or I always disturb/bully them. But I am thankful that some of my friends know that I don't mean it why i disturb them.. but oh well, one thing I hate about is how I treat my friends sometimes. I have fucked up issues within myself. And lastly, if there is anymore important things you need to know it is that I hold on dearly to my pride. My pride means a lot to me. However, there a circumstances where I can put my pride down.. but I have yet to come across any. 

Love x.
Emily.