I hate how I let smallest thing in my friendship turn me into someone I am not.

"emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you."

I am that bitch in your life that will emotionally abuse you, but yet doesn't really mean it. I swear, never in my life have I ever mean to hurt my friends. Nah, maybe I meant it, I meant to rub that hurt into your wound because of what you have previously done to me. Maybe I will never forget the fact that you weren't appreciative and took it for granted. Even though you always say that you do remember, but let me just tell you. Your actions never prove your words, 

One thing I hate about myself is that I let the slightest issue in my friendship affect me and I will do the rashest and harshest thing in return.. 

I take loyalty in my friendship very seriously and I take my friendship to heart. One thing you need to know about me is that I treasure every single of my friendship. I make friends very easily. And I will give myself the benefit of doubt to think that you are the good person. I always believe that everyone is a good person. And also, I never want to see anyone being alone or left out... Yet I hate myself cause there are times I purposely ignore some of my friends when I am upset with them and that makes them feel alone and upset too. Hypocrite aren't I? 

"i cant tell if i'm really nice but secretly an asshole or an asshole but secretly really nice" 

I hate the way I handle things. Sometimes I wished all this couldn't affect me. I wished I could hold equal importance in all my friendship. I wished I wouldn't get jealous and upset when I see myself drifting from my friend and suddenly someone I don't really like starts being so close to them. I honestly hate it. But I wish I can stop myself from feeling all these so I wouldn't hurt any of my friends in the process of my harsh words and actions. Maybe is that insecurity that I feel, cause never ever would I want to lose any friendship.. Even if its really bad, I would never ever want to lose my friendship, I would never throw it away.. But sometimes when I am angry, I have no control of what's happening. Maybe I do have control, but I still choose to let it go this way cause it feels good at that point. Like as if you are the one that was right. But then again, after a while you realized everyone share the fault and the biggest fault lies in yourself, in me. 

Last thing, I hate it when I give my 100% in the friendship and my friend just gives 50% or so. It just makes me feel that you don't think this friendship is worth it. That this friendship means anything to you. And I hate it when I feel like as if I am the one trying to put this friendship back together again and it seems like you don't really care. I tell you how I really feel about these.. I don't hate them. But I just feel hurt -very very hurt, when things like this happens, And I cannot control my hurt because I never want people to see that side of me that I am hurt, so I turn them into anger into violence... That makes things easier. Cause people just sees it as 'oh she is just having her mood swings' or 'oh she is just angry' or 'oh, she has issues' These explanations are must easier to explain than to let people know that I am hurt and that they have to come with 'feelings'. Just like how you rather smile when you're upset cause it much easier to say "I'm fine" than to explain what's going on. 

If I could make myself trust my friends even more... It's not my friends problem. It is my problem. And that is what I hate about myself the most. The fact that I can't control myself when it comes to friendship issues. The fact that I cannot bear to 'share' too much of my friends with other people. 

I wished I could change myself for this.. Cause it is always the reasons why I am so upset.. the reason why I always fuck things up. Hurt leads to really scary things. I don't even know who I am sometimes with all the thoughts in my head when I get angry and the strength in my hands when I get violent...

Love x,

Emily.